I consider myself a religious man. A nomad of the earth – I used to crash on couches throughout the country in the search for existential clarity and met, on those outwardly inane, yet deeply meaningful travels, a lot of different types of people. Some of them, especially down in the bible belt, where channeling god through shaking and convulsing and speaking in tongues through the power of God, could heal the sick, cure cancer, and creates obedient positivity in the weaker willed looking to answers, calling out to the sky, where is god? God is in thoughts and prayers, as he is in church. In every living orifice of our bodies, he even lays in the porcelain veneer of your toilet.
With this in mind, I challenged myself, if I prayed for Sony for 30 days, what effect would it have on the company? If I prayed for a valuation of the Playstation brand times 200 percent and prayed and cried and passionately poured out all my love and devotion for Sony – if I did this selfless act, would god listen?
So I went to e-trade and bought 50,000 dollars worth of Sony stock. Even though I knew nothing of what any of those little ticker things meant, I was determined: I was a man on a mission. For all you need do is have faith and believe in God anything is possible.
Even stock trading.
Before I went on the floor I viewed Trading Places with Ralph Bellamy and Eddie Murphy very early in the morning: like at 6 am. That really got me in the spirit. Then, I started pressing buttons to see what things did. And by buttons I mean rosaries; I sat there on the stock floor and I preyed. But nobody seemed to notice as this is regular practice apparently around there.
By the end of the day, my stock in Sony had gone up 0.25 percent! As of today, the infamous day 30 of prayers not only am I $16.97 richer, but I am 45 pounds lighter and finally can tell you, disbelievers, that there is a god. Thank you, God, Jesus, Sony… the trifecta of perfection.
And if you support Xbox may God have mercy on your heathenous, treasonous soul.